


The Little Sister II

by Lord_Byron_Mudkippington



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 17:05:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17532758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington/pseuds/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington
Summary: Life just hurts a little too much for Ruby. (Sequel to The Little Sister)





	The Little Sister II

Ruby walked down the aisles of the pharmacy, metaphorically sweating bullets. She ran the back of her hand across her forehead, trying to breathe evenly in order to calm herself down. If she was struggling like this by the time she got to the pharmacy counter in the back, they'd call her out instantly. Everything she'd worked herself up towards would fall apart in front of her. Now that she was actually committing to it, she couldn't let that happen. No matter how nervous she was, and oh boy was she nervous.

A couple weeks ago, she'd gone to the doctor and complained of migraines, which allowed her to get a prescription for higher strength pain medication. That was a lie, though, and it had been really tough for her to tell that lie. She'd been surprised that the ruse hadn't been discovered right away with how nervous she'd been, and how she'd stuttered out her words. The medication wouldn't be prescribed in vain, though. It was going to get a use, and technically in the way that it was intended.

She had to wait in line behind two other people, and each minute that passed made her more nervous. Every couple of minutes she felt close to leaving the line and the store: just heading home and trying again some other time. She shook her head hard to try and chase those thoughts out of her mind. That wasn't acceptable. She was already here, and she could wait a few minutes. It was going to work out, or at least she hoped it would. All she needed was to be given those pills, and she could take them home. Simple as that.

"Name?" The person behind the counter sounded almost completely monotone, as if they didn't care to be there at all. Maybe they didn't, but the lack of care in their tone unnerved Ruby. That might've been unfair to them, though. If they'd been as happy as can be, she might've still been nervous anyway. There likely wasn't anything they could do to change that.

"U-Um, Ruby Kurosawa," she stammered out, twiddling her thumbs as she kept breaking eye contact with the pharmacist. She had trouble with her confidence on the best of days. This wasn't one of those days, and she felt completely transparent. She kept waiting for the pharmacist to ask her what she was going to use the pills for, and then she'd completely crack and probably start crying. He clicked the mouse and moved it across the screen, staring at it lazily. Then he nodded and went to the shelves of medicine behind him.

"Here you go." He pulled out a stapled white bag and handed it to her, which she took. Squeaking out a thanks, she paid in cash and scurried out of the store, the bag clutched to her chest. When she got into her car, she placed the bag on the passenger seat and leaned back against her headrest, her heart racing. She'd actually done it. The pills were now in her possession, and nobody there even seemed to be suspicious. Their lack of suspicion worried her as much as she would've been if they'd questioned her. She had to stop thinking like that, though. What she needed to do was get back home.

She started the car and headed back for her and Hanamaru's shared apartment.

* * *

She was sitting at her desk, tapping her pen against her cheek. It was after 22:00, and Hanamaru had already gone to bed. Ruby was still up, though, using the lamp on her desk as her lone light source. She stared down at the piece of paper she had in front of her. There was a small amount of words on it, but not enough for her liking. She had wanted to get this note done already, but she'd been struggling to come up with the best way to say what she wanted. It was a real hassle.

She also didn't like her calligraphy. It didn't look fancy enough. Dia's handwriting was so much better than hers. She sighed and tightened her grip on her pen, putting the tip to the paper and writing out a couple more lines. The going was tough, but she wasn't going to stop until she had written out everything she needed to say. It had to be done by tonight, because she couldn't be sure that she'd finish it tomorrow. She had wanted to spend tomorrow mentally preparing herself for what she was planning on doing, and she wouldn't have enough time if she had to spend it writing out this note.

It took her another hour before she finally finished writing. She'd struggled the whole way through, but it was finally done. Towards the end, she'd gone on a bit of a roll and had more of an output in that short amount of time than most of the previous minutes she'd spent agonizing over it. She'd ended up writing two full pages, using only the front side as Dia had taught her. Stapling the pages together, she laid it down gently in the middle drawer of her desk, placing it face down over the unopened bag of pills. Then she closed the drawer, turned off the lamp, and got into bed.

She had a tight grip on her covers as she pulled them up to her chin. Her eyes closed, then re-opened, staring up at the ceiling. She kept trying to close them, but she couldn't get herself to sleep. The room felt oppressively quiet, and she wished there was some kind of sound to lull her to sleep. If only it was raining: the sound of rain was very soothing, as long as there wasn't any thunder accompanying it. She'd even take her neighbors being loud to at least bring some noise to her quiet existence. At least it'd be some sort of a distraction.

There was nothing, though. Nothing but her own thoughts rattling around in her brain. She let go of the covers and pressed her hands to her ears, wishing all those thoughts would go away. They wouldn't, though. After all these years, she knew better than to expect that she could be free of her sad thoughts, but it didn't stop her from trying. It felt useless, though. It had always been useless, but for the last few months she'd come to truly realize that more and more. There was nothing she could do to stop those stupid, awful thoughts from screaming at her until she started to cry like the little crybaby that she was.

And there she went, crying again. It wasn't loud, childish sobs like she tended to take part in. This time the tears were as silent as the room, falling uselessly down her face and dripping onto the bedsheets. At least she wasn't making any noise that might accidentally wake up Hanamaru. Not like that was likely, as Hanamaru could sleep through their building being demolished, but she'd feel bad if she cost her friend any sleep. Maybe silent tears were a mark of her becoming more like an adult, but it wasn't enough. It was too late anyway. If she was really like the adult she was supposed to be, then she wouldn't be crying at all. She'd be hiding those feelings deep inside where they couldn't get out. That's what a Kurosawa was supposed to do.

She pressed the bottoms of her palms hard against her squeezed-shut eyes. God, this was so pathetic. She was supposed to sleeping and getting her rest for tomorrow's classes, but instead she was lying there crying. There wasn't even any good reason for it. School wasn't going bad, she still had her friends, and a girlfriend that she loved with all her heart. It wasn't enough, though. Something in her mind just wouldn't let her rest on those laurels. It was all just a display she put up in a desperate attempt to seem normal and well-adjusted. It was plastic and fake.

What was the point of school, anyway? There wasn't anything she could do with what she was learning. She was too sad all the time to actually do anything of consequence. Dia was the one who always had the drive and the energy. She was the one who people loved and expected big things from. No one expected her to do anything, and nobody cared if she succeeded or failed. Her family would be disappointed if she failed, but not for long. How disappointed could someone be when their expectations weren't high in the first place?

Her friends seemed to care about her, but why would they do that? She wasn't worth caring about. How often had she dragged those poor girls down without even realizing it? They stuck with her, but perhaps out of obligation more than anything. Maybe they didn't want to incur Dia's wrath, as if she would punish them for being rude to her little sister. They didn't know, though. Dia would be the first one to criticize her for making a mistake during their idol days, and there had been many. She had always been Aqours' weak spot.

Wiping her tears away, she closed her eyes and forced them to stay shut. That mask she put on to hide her true feelings from everyone would fall from her face soon, and she was relieved that she wouldn't have to lug it around anymore. It was an incredible burden.

* * *

The weekend was supposed to be a relaxing time, since she didn't have any classes on those days. This was the most nervous she'd ever been on a Saturday in quite some time, though. She was standing in the bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her fingers tapped arrhythmically on the now-empty bag that had held her pills. Those pills in question were on the sink with a glass of juice next to it, filled to the brim. She swallowed thickly, then hurried back to her bedroom to check if her note was still on her desk. Of course it was. Where else would it go?

She slapped her cheeks and scurried on back into the bathroom. This was just her cowardly nature psyching her out again. She had to do it this time. Everything was ready. Everything except her. She could do it, though. If she didn't do this, she'd just be subjecting herself to another couple weeks of misery before she tried again. Then there'd be another stretch of time if she failed then. No, not this time. This time was going to be different. She was suffering inside too much to let this go on any longer. She was just so, so tired of feeling so much pain inside...

Grabbing the bottle of pills, she pitifully grunted as she pushed down on the cap and tried to twist it off. She'd made sure to call all the people who were most important to her this morning, wanting to speak with them all one more time. The conversations were short, but she appreciated them all the same. All she'd wanted to do was hear their voices again, and any amount of conversation would accomplish that. Not everyone answered, though, with the toughest of them being Dia. Besides Chika, she'd wanted to have one last moment with her sister, but she wouldn't be able to get that now. She'd considered putting things off until Dia returned her call, but she knew that was just the cowardice in her mind talking. Instead, she just left a message and left it at that.

Her conversation with her parents had felt the most awkward, but it was her call with Chika that felt the worst. She was sure that she'd start crying as the conversation went on, but she was able to hold it together for the entire duration. That was probably the most impressive thing she'd done all week. She'd nearly lost it when she and Chika exchanged 'I love yous', but again she held firm. A wavering firm, but firm nonetheless. Poor Chika seemed oblivious to any undertones to the conversation, but that was for the best. She didn't want to be talked out of it now, or she might really not do it.

The top was left on the countertop as she tapped a pill into her palm. Grabbing the glass of juice with her other hand, she put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it down. Everyone was going to be better off without her. She knew that was true. Without her there, her friends could better concentrate their energies on each other. They wouldn't need to waste it focusing on her. There'd be no worrying about making sure she was doing okay or keeping up with everyone. That was for the best.

She groaned and coughed as she swallowed a second pill, tears spilling from her eyes. Leaving Chika behind was going to hurt the most, though nothing would hurt soon enough. Knowing that Chika would be sad was something that had given her a lot of pause, and she'd felt selfish for taking the easy way out and leaving her girlfriend to shoulder all the burdens. In the end, she knew it would be okay, though. Though Chika might hurt now, she would move on eventually. She would find someone who was more worthy of her love, and she'd live a happy life for the rest of her days.

She couldn't stop herself from crying as she took another pill, then another. The more pills she swallowed, the more her sight began to dim. Everything seemed to be spinning around her, and she could hear her uneven breathing surrounding her ears. The glass of juice fell from her hand and shattered on the floor, spilling her drink everywhere. How appropriate that it was red... She was swaying now, her outstretched hand knocking over the bottle of pills. They spilled out onto the countertop, but she barely noticed as she crashed down to the floor. Everything was going black, and she let out one final, shuddering breath as she embraced the darkness.

"I'm sorry, Chika..."

* * *

The room was sterile and silent. All the walls were white, making her feel like she'd been committed rather than her being there of her own free will. Two other people were sitting on the opposite side of the room, each with another person next to them. She couldn't tell which of them were there to be seen and which were there for support. That was for the best, she supposed. If she so obviously wasn't the one who needed to be there, she'd want there to be a bit of mystery too.

The only sounds in the room were the occasional cough and the rhythmic ticking of the clock. Every second it ticked away was amplified, ringing in her ears as she stared straight ahead at nothing. It probably looked like she was staring at the other people there, though, so she forced her eyes downward in embarrassment. There was a table in the middle of the room with a handful of magazines spread across it, so she took the first one that seemed even slightly interesting. Her stomach was acting up due to how nervous she was, hurting her too much for her to actually concentrate on reading. 'Nervous' felt like a feeling that she'd felt way too much lately. The word itself felt stale and useless in her mind.

She opened up the magazine and stared at the random page she'd turned to. It was something about home decor, which was not exactly her favorite subject. Biting her lower lip, she subtly leaned back and looked over to her left. Dia was sitting in the chair next to her, her hands neatly folded in her lap and her posture impeccable as always. She looked as serious as usual, but there was a different kind of aura around her. It seemed like she was uncomfortable with where they were, and perhaps with the situation as a whole. She couldn't blame her, though, since she also felt uncomfortable being there as well.

Something they'd both learned as Kurosawa daughters was that all help came from within. They were raised on independence: any problem could be solved with hard work and shrewd business acumen. Dia had always taken those lessons to heart, and her speaking out for help was a rare sight. Ruby had always tried to be like that, but it was harder for her. Her emotions were never as stable as Dia's were, and they'd gotten so much worse once she went to university. Getting help for school or work-related problems wasn't encouraged, but sometimes a partnership was needed to get over the hump. Getting help for emotional problems, though? That was anathema. Seeking treatment for mental issues was something her parents had never understood, and she didn't expect them to ever get it. Her sitting there in a therapist's waiting room probably disgusted them. She expected it was just another box to check on the list of things about her that disappointed them.

Dia obviously felt the same way, with how uncomfortable she seemed just being there. She was there, though, even if she didn't seem to want to be there. Knowing that she was so messed up mentally that she had to go to therapy made Ruby feel lower than low, and she hadn't even wanted anyone to go with her. She didn't want to subject her friends to even more wasted time than they'd already gone through, but to her surprise, everyone had wanted to come with her. If it wasn't for Kanan and Mari intervening when they realized just how uncomfortable she was, they may have all stuffed the room full with their presence. Dia, however, had not taken no for an answer. She refused to let Ruby go there alone and insisted that she come along. Nobody had wanted to leave her alone after what had happened.

Dia suddenly looked her way, and their eyes met. She gave Ruby a slight smile, which she could barely return before she had to shove her face into the magazine. Rather than being reading material, she was using it as a shield so nobody could see that she had started to cry. Nothing really had changed. She was still alive, she was still a crybaby, and she was still a burden to everyone. Why hadn't she died? Was she cursed to just keep being miserable no matter how badly she wanted out?

"Ruby?" She looked up from the magazine to see the woman behind the counter staring out into the room. That was the woman whom she had to check in with, and she was the one who called out for them when it was their turn to see the therapist. It was her turn, then. She gulped and closed the magazine, putting it back on the table. Her gaze then turned to Dia, the person whom she'd always looked up to for advice. It wasn't advice she needed now, but comfort, but she wasn't sure she would get it. Could Dia really be okay with her seeing a therapist, when it was something that their family frowned upon?

"I'll be out here for you when you're done with your appointment." Dia put a hand on Ruby's shoulder, smiling at her as warmly as she could. "It'll be okay, Ruby." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. It sounded so genuine that she couldn't do anything but believe her. Dia was going to be there for her. She was going to stay there and support her from the waiting room. Her mind kept telling her it didn't make any sense, and she knew it didn't, but for the moment it was enough. It helped her give Dia a watery smile, then stand up and walk through the door.

"Room three." That's what the woman behind the counter had told her. She walked down the hall, glancing from side to side to find the room with the number three on it. Each step made her feel like she was wading through molasses. She wasn't sure if it was in her mind or if she was actually walking that slow. Without Dia's presence next to her, she felt even more unsure than she previously did. She was scared and miserable, but she found herself already standing outside room number three. There was no turning back now, or she'd just be embarrassed. Dia had taken the day off to be with her, and she surely expected her to go through with this. She couldn't let her down again.

Grabbing the door handle, she pulled it down and pushed the door open. She was immediately struck by how much it looked like a movie interpretation of a therapy session. The room had one window with the blinds pulled up to let the natural light in. There was a desk in the corner with a computer on it and an assortment of knick-knacks surrounding it. A couple paintings that she didn't recognize hung from the walls, and right by the opposite wall was a plush blue piece of furniture. She couldn't say exactly what it was called, but it laid out for the most part, with the front risen up for one's head to lay on. It was definitely one of those pieces of furniture she was supposed to lay on and talk about everything that was bothering her. She certainly recognized that from the movies.

"Ms. Kurosawa?" She turned towards the voice, seeing an older woman sitting in a chair. "Would you like to have a seat?" She smiled softly, a pen and a notepad in her hands. Ruby nodded and closed the door, shuffling over to where she knew she was supposed to sit. She sat down in the reclined chair and laid her head back against it, folding her hands beneath her chest and staring up at the ceiling. This felt so stereotypical, yet despite that, she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. "I just want to inform you that everything we talk about in her is completely confidential."

"Really?" She looked over at her therapist, eyes widening a bit. Confidentiality was to be expected, but for some reason she felt surprised to hear it all the same. Apparently she'd thought that her therapist would gossip about how crazy she was to everyone within earshot.

"Of course. It will all be between just you and me." She kept smiling as she tapped her pen against her notepad. Ruby laid her head back down and rubbed her arm. The room felt warmer than it had before. Had it always been this warm? She felt like there was sweat forming on her forehead, but it felt cool when she touched it with the back of her hand. Was she coming down with a fever? Or was that just another excuse?

"So... what am I supposed to talk about?" She twiddled her thumbs, trying to focus on calming her breathing. This was a new experience for her, and her mind was blanking when she tried to think of how they always started in the fictional therapy sessions.

"You can start with whatever topic you want to." So it was up to her, then. That was always a bad option. She tended to be pretty indecisive. How was this supposed to start? That was a question she hadn't answered yet. Maybe she should start with what got her there in the first place. She could work her way down from there.

"Well, I... I don't feel good about myself." Well that was obvious. Nobody who felt good about themselves tries to down an entire bottle of pain medication. She only had so much time in this session, and she was wasting it with obvious drivel. "I-I mean, I..." She couldn't look the therapist in the eye, so she looked at the nearest painting instead. It was a simple mountain with pure white clouds hovering around its snow-tipped peak. "I don't want to be alive anymore." She squeezed her eyes shut, whimpering quietly. Though she'd thought that so many times in her life, she'd never said it out loud before. It sounded weird and sickeningly selfish, which only made her want to be alive less.

"Why do you feel that way?" The therapist started to write something down on her notepad, the light scraping of her pen sounding louder than it should in the otherwise-quiet room. Ruby took a deep breath, then lost her concentration when the air conditioning turned on. She wasn't expecting it, and the sound was so loud when there was nothing else going on. All she could hear now was the air conditioning, and she opened her eyes just to make sure that she was still in the room.

"Because I'm a waste of space." It was hard to say these things out loud, but she made herself continue. She'd already failed in trying to kill herself. If she failed this too, she'd be in a black hole of nothingness. "I waste the time of everyone who cares about me. They always have to watch out for me because I can't do anything by myself. I just mess things up every time." She wiped at her eyes hurriedly, already feeling the tears trying to make a comeback. This was only five minutes into her first session. How could she already be tearing up? How pathetic...

"Have any of your friends told you that they don't like helping you?"

"Well, no, but... they don't have to. I just know they do. Why wouldn't they feel that way?" She didn't need to hear it to know it was true. Nobody in their right mind would want to go to such lengths to placate someone like her. They all probably felt sorry for her because she wasn't anyone, and she was clearly not going to be anyone. All of them were just being friendly because they would've felt bad telling her the truth. Especially Chika. Sometimes she could just be too friendly for her own good. Enough to want to go out with her despite the fact that she brought absolutely nothing to the table relationship-wise.

"Sometimes our minds trick us into believing something that's not true." The therapist kept writing, making Ruby wonder what she was writing down. Was it exactly what she was saying, or was it an analysis of her? Would the therapist know that she was incurably crazy after one session? Was that possible? She didn't know, but she wished she did. "No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary, our minds can't wrap around that fact. They continue to believe the worst."

"Mm..." Ruby nodded, but she found it hard to see the similarities. Maybe other people believed themselves to be bad despite that not being true, but it wasn't the same for her. She was unequivocally a useless human being, and she was having a hard time coming up with evidence to the contrary, as her therapist put it. Though wasn't that exactly what she was saying? That her mind was playing tricks on her and making her believe she wasn't good enough to be alive? But... it was different. She was different.

"If I may, I'd like you to tell me one positive thing about yourself. It can be anything you want, as long as it's positive." Ruby finally looked over at her therapist, frowning slightly. That sounded like a simple task, but she knew that looks could be deceiving. To say a positive thing about herself meant that there had to be a positive thing about herself, and she was pretty convinced that there wasn't one. She was weak, clumsy, and useless. With those negatives in full control of her meaningless life, there wasn't any room for something positive.

"Um, well..." She squeezed her hands together, wracking her brain for something positive she could say. "I... like idols." Did that even count? No, it couldn't possibly. That was something she enjoyed, not a positive attribute. "I-I mean, I was an idol." Now she was saying her hobbies instead. That still didn't count. There really wasn't anything good about her. "I-I, uh I... I know that's not a positive thing or anything, but I... did that, I guess..." This wasn't going well at all. She wondered what Hanamaru had done with her pills.

"Did you enjoy being an idol?"

"Y-Yes. It had always been my dream to be a school idol, but I never thought I'd be able to because I'm not idol material." She found herself smiling slightly at the memories of her time as a school idol. It had been brief, but it had been the best year of her life. "I got to be in a group with my best friend and my older sister, plus I made a bunch of new friends too. It was sometimes scary to stand up on that stage and have everyone watching me, but I felt really good when I was up on stage performing." Her smile faltered as she came back to reality, remembering that she wasn't a school idol anymore. Aqours was a flash in the pan group, having not performed together in years. "I haven't felt like that since then."

"Was it important for you to be in the same group as your sister?"

"Well, I joined before she did. I didn't think she'd even join, after-" She stopped herself. The years-old drama Dia, Kanan, and Mari had gone through was long done, and it wouldn't do any good to bring it up here. That was just dredging up old memories: ones that didn't even have to do with her being there anyway. "... After she said she didn't want to, but it was amazing getting to be in the same idol group with her. She's really talented! She can dance and sing really well, and she was very good at keeping all of us focused. She was the one who introduced me to idols in the first place. I've always looked up to her."

"I see..." She wrote something down, her pen hovering over the last written sentence. "How was your relationship with your sister when you both were in the idol group together?"

"It was good. I mean, sometimes she'd get mad at me because I messed something up, and I kind of did that a lot." She laughed awkwardly, rubbing her arm. "I always needed a lot of help to be as good an idol as the others. It wasn't just with the idol group, though. Dia's always been looking out for me, and she tells me when I've messed up and how I can improve next time. Sometimes she can get exasperated with me, but I can understand why. I'm not exactly the younger sister someone really wants."

"Hmm... We'll circle back to that." Appropriately, she circled everything she'd written down in relation to Ruby's mentions of Dia, scribbling down something about it to remind herself. "Does anyone know that you've come to see me?"

"Yes. My friends and family all know I'm here." She again laughed awkwardly, gnawing on her lower lip. "It was kind of hard to keep them in the dark about it... They all wanted to come with me, but I didn't want them to."

"Why not?"

"Because it's embarrassing. I've already burdened them enough with worry over everything that's happened. They don't deserve to deal with any more of this." She took a deep, shuddering breath. Since she'd come into the room, she hadn't started crying, but she could feel the familiar sting touching her eyes. She had to force herself to keep those tears inside, lest she completely derail the session. Just this once, couldn't she be strong like Dia? "Dia came with me, though. She insisted on being there for me." A few tears leaked out despite how hard she was trying to keep them in. She couldn't imagine having a better sister than Dia. To take off from her busy work schedule to take her somewhere that she didn't even fully approve of... That was love, wasn't it? Yeah, it... it was.

"Your sister appears to be a big part of your life. I'd like to hear more about your relationship with her." She tapped the notepad with the butt end of the pen and looked over calmly at Ruby. "You seem to have very high praise for her. Would you say that she is a controlling person?"

"Well, yes, but... but not in a bad way." Ruby squirmed in her chair, feeling cold all over. The air conditioning must've been pointed directly down on her. "She just likes things to go right, and I understand that. We all do. It's just how she is. If something isn't right, she'll tell you so." She looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the vent that was emitting all this cold air. It made her feel uncomfortable to even think of saying something negative about Dia. That wouldn't be fair. Everything she did was for both of their benefits. "It's not like... controlling, really."

"How do your parents feel about your sister?" It felt like there was a promising thread that was being weaved throughout the Kurosawa family. All she had to do was follow it and she had a feeling that she'd have some deeper insight on what was troubling Ruby.

"They feel good about her, I guess. I mean, she's the perfect daughter so they love her, of course. She was the student council president in high school, and she was always very business savvy. Since she was the firstborn, she was already chosen to be the heir to our family business." Even though she knew that she wouldn't have been good running the family business, it bothered her a little that she was never even looked at as a potential successor. Her parents never believed that she had those skills within her. "She works for our dad's company now, and she does a really good job. She's everything I'm not."

"Do you feel inadequate to her?"

"Yes." Wow, she hadn't expected that to come out so confidently. Yes, she'd always felt inadequate to Dia. Even when she was very young, she knew that she was nothing compared to her older sister. She'd never said those words out loud, though. Like most of her insecurities, she kept them bottled up inside so that they wouldn't burden anyone else. They were her issues, and she needed to deal with them, and she had tried to deal with them... and now she was in therapy. "Yes, I do. She's better than me in every way and our parents love her more."

"How do your parents treat you differently as opposed to your sister?"

"They've always paid more attention to her. They put so many expectations on her, and... and I know it must've been hard for her to deal with all that. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have to go through that, but..." She kept chewing on her bottom lip, tasting a tang of blood as she tried to properly explain what she was feeling. "I don't want the extreme expectations put on me, but I want my mom and dad to pay attention to me and care about what I do. My schooling, my hobbies, my feelings... Those were always second to Dia, because she was the heiress. She was the perfect daughter, and they knew better than to waste their time on me when they already had Dia." Sure, she'd never explicitly heard her parents say those things, but she could tell it was true from two decades of experience. "I don't even think they wanted another child..."

"I see..." Yes, she'd been right. She'd followed that thread and found herself right at what seemed to be a veritable gold mine of repressed negative emotions. They were definitely getting somewhere, and this was only their first session. "Have you ever told Dia how you feel? Or your parents?"

"No, never! They wouldn't want to be burdened by such things..." It was true that she didn't want to burden her family with her feelings, but she was also worried about what they would say if she did. She was so sure that they'd dismiss her problems as just a mood, and it'd just prove their thoughts that she was an unworthy daughter beyond a shadow of a doubt. Without hearing them say such things aloud, she didn't have any definitive proof, and she wanted to keep it that way. If she actually heard them say these things, and reveal to her that all her terrible thoughts were true, she couldn't possibly come back from that.

"I think you should tell your sister how you feel. Since you two are close, she should be able to understand how you've been feeling all this time. She may not have been aware of how the different treatments you two received from your parents affected you."

"I-I don't know..." She hugged herself tightly, feeling like she was going to have a panic attack at the thought of admitting how she felt. Throughout her time at university, she had learned to keep everything inside, and now she was being told to do the exact opposite. Maybe her therapist was right, though. It wasn't like the fact that she was struggling internally was much of a secret anymore. Well-adjusted individuals didn't try to off themselves, so her friends and family now knew something was wrong with her. They knew she was disturbed: they just didn't know the exact reasoning. Did they need to know, though? She'd kept everything locked up so none of her friends would have to be burdened by it. How could she go against that and force them to take on her issues? They didn't ask for that. They didn't deserve that.

"Did any of your other friends know how you felt beforehand?" She didn't have to say what was 'before': they both knew what it was. It was why she was there, after all.

"No. I never told any of them how I felt." There wasn't any need to explain why she didn't to herself. That was already well-tread ground. "I-I don't think I'm comfortable telling them the truth yet, but I know they'll ask when I get home..." That was something she hadn't put much thought into until now, but she was absolutely dreading it. She wasn't ready yet to reveal the depths of her misery, even to her closest friends. However, after what she had just put them through, how could she tell them no? How could she leave them in the dark when they probably had so many questions?

"If you don't feel comfortable telling them yet, you don't have to. If they ask, you can say that you don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. Tell them your therapist doesn't want you discussing it if you're not comfortable with it." She smiled at Ruby, and this time Ruby actually smiled back. It was a slight, wavering smile, but it was a smile nevertheless.

"So, tell me about your childhood..."

* * *

The drive home was mostly silent. Idol music from a burned CD and the sound of the tires spinning on the road were there in lieu of conversation. Ruby's head was still filled with her first therapy session. She'd said more than she'd ever expected to say about her problems out loud, and it felt... kind of good. It didn't mean that she felt cured of all that ailed her, and it didn't mean that she still wasn't strongly considering jumping out of the car and off of the bridge they were driving on, but it was somewhat cathartic to get all of that off her chest. For at least one person, these secrets were no longer secrets that she was keeping buried inside her.

Dia didn't ask about the session the entire drive. Maybe she could tell that Ruby was still processing things and thought it best not to bring it up. Whatever the reason, Ruby was grateful, because she still was trying to think it all through. The future seemed more uncertain than ever before, and she wasn't sure where she was supposed to go from here. There were still classes to go to and her old life to lead, but it seemed so daunting now. When she tried to kill herself, she expected it to be final. It was supposed to be the end of everything. Now that she was still alive, she didn't know how she could continue living life like she had before.

Dia parked in the visitor's section of the parking lot and walked with Ruby to her apartment. Like the car ride, the walk was silent and incredibly tense. Ruby kept sneaking glances at Dia, but their eyes never met. She wondered what her sister was thinking. It looked like she was struggling not to say something, which made her nervous. If Dia was holding her tongue, it must've been something serious. She probably wanted to ask about the session. If she felt that the car ride wasn't the appropriate place to ask, then she probably believed that the apartment would be a better spot to do that. She gulped, feeling anxious about reaching their final destination.

Would someone else be in the apartment besides Hanamaru? Since she'd gotten home from the hospital, she could count on one hand the amount of times it was just her in the apartment. Her friends refused to leave her alone, and she honestly couldn't blame them. Hanamaru lived there, so she was the one who tended to be saddled with guard duty for poor, sad Ruby. Dia and Chika came over fairly often, though, and her other friends tended to drop by sometimes. It usually would be nice to see them, but these weren't great circumstances. Though it felt terrible to think this, she hoped that none of them were at the apartment right now. She knew they'd want to know what happened at the session too.

Her hope was in vain. As soon as she entered the apartment, an orange blur nearly tackled her to the ground. Only Dia's quick reaction kept both of them from being bowled over. When she regained her bearings, she found Chika to be the one holding her, sniffling against her shoulder. She could feel her heartstrings being tugged on from that sound. The last thing she wanted was to hear Chika cry. She knew that it was her fault, though. It was her actions that made Chika have to worry about her.

"How was the therapy session? Did it go okay?" Chika seemed to want to ask more questions, but she kept herself to just those two. Of course, those questions were concerning something that she didn't feel comfortable talking about. While she could technically just say 'fine' and that was it, she knew there'd be follow-up questions. She bit her lip, hesitating to answer as Dia pushed on her back to get everyone in the apartment and shut the door. 'Don't let the bugs in,' she would always say.

"Uh, it went fine..." She fidgeted in front of Chika, having a hard time looking her in the eye. Over her shoulder, she noticed Hanamaru appearing from her room, tentatively coming over to join the group. She was starting to feel overwhelmed even with just three people around her.

"Did they, um..." Chika frowned, seemingly struggling with what she wanted to ask. "Did it do anything? Do you feel... better, I guess?" She laughed, but it sounded forced, which was rare. Chika was usually someone who didn't fake her laughter.

"Well I, uh..." She shrugged meekly, starting to withdraw into herself. Truthfully she didn't feel any better. It had been somewhat nice to get some of that off her chest, but her mind was still bogged down by her usual depressing thoughts. She still wanted to go right back into the bathroom, lock the door, and try again. It was too much to expect a miraculous mental recovery from a single therapy session, but there was a small part of her that wished it was like that. Then she wouldn't have to come home and feel uncomfortable answering simple questions from the people she cared about the most.

"Did they prescribe you any medication?" Dia was the next to ask a question. Ruby had been right: she was just waiting to get into more comfortable environs before asking her questions. "I've been doing some research on the types of anti-depressants that are usually prescribed, and I'm interested in knowing which brand they prescribed you, if they did so."

"No, they... they didn't do that..." She clasped her hands together, looking down at the floor. "Um, I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now..." She couldn't look at any of them, knowing that they wouldn't be happy with that answer. Her tone sounded sorrowful too, so it'd only worry them more that she wasn't willing to divulge anything about what had happened. She couldn't deal with any more questions, though, lest she start crying in front of them.

"But..." Dia didn't understand why Ruby wouldn't want to tell them all what had happened. They were all worried about her, but she felt that she was the most worried. She'd had a lot of sleepless nights since she first got the news that Ruby was on her way to the hospital. How was she supposed to keep being left in the dark on this information when she'd nearly lost her little sister? Knowing that Ruby almost died terrified her! She just had to know what had happened! It was Hanamaru who stopped her before she could further argue, placing a hand on Dia's shoulder and drawing her attention.

"Ruby's probably tired from her first session, Dia. We should give her time to relax before we ask her anything." Dia still didn't look satisfied with that answer, but she relented after a brief staring contest with Hanamaru. She looked once more at Ruby, as if trying to get something, anything out of her, but Ruby still couldn't look her in the eye. Ruby didn't look back up until she heard the shuffling of feet, seeing Dia and Hanamaru walking into Hanamaru's bedroom. She felt so guilty that she didn't tell Dia anything about what happened. She was just being a concerned older sister, and she spurned her...

"Do you want me to go too, Ruby?" She wasn't the only one looking awkward. Chika didn't seem like she knew what to do with herself. She was actually fidgeting worse than Ruby, her gaze switching between Ruby and the rest of the apartment, like she couldn't decide where to stare. "If you want to be alone, I mean. I can, uh, I can go home, and... and I'll call you later?" She smiled, but it was as forced as her life. Ruby could see tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes. This was all her fault...

"Chika, wait..." She grabbed Chika's hand and held on tight, finally finding the courage to look her in the eyes. "Don't go yet. Do you... Do you want to come to my room? T-To talk, I mean?" She blushed slightly, feeling her heart starting to race again. This still wasn't something she was comfortable with, but she didn't want to send Chika away like that. The guilt she was already dealing with would destroy her knowing that she was building walls to keep her girlfriend out. Someone who loved her despite having every good reason to want nothing to do with her. Maybe she couldn't get herself to talk fully about what had happened, but she could at least say something. She could at least spend time with Chika. It wouldn't be so anxiety-inducing if it was just the two of them.

They went into Ruby's room, with Ruby closing the door behind them. Chika went over and sat on the bed, looking over at her with concern clear in her eyes. Seeing such a sight hurt. Whenever they'd been together before, Chika was always happy and energetic. She was always starting the conversations, laughing and making Ruby feel for a moment that she was actually the luckiest girl on campus. Now Chika was sitting there without any smiles or laughter, looking like things weren't going right anymore. It was her fault... It was all her fault...

"Can I ask something?" Ruby stopped in place, immediately starting to chew on her lower lip. "Not about the session, I mean." She put up her hands in a sign of surrender. Ruby nodded and finally came over to sit next to Chika, turning to look at her. "So you've been... depressed for awhile?" She nodded again, frowning slightly. At least it wasn't specifically about the session, though it certainly wasn't a happy topic. Not that she could blame Chika for asking, though. It wasn't like she'd left any of her friends with happy thoughts lately. "How long have you felt... you know, sad or... just not doing well?"

"For... For awhile. Since I was twelve, I think?" Honestly, being depressed had become such a part of her life that she'd almost forgotten how it felt before then. All she had in her mind were snippets of memories that were assumedly better than her life now. She couldn't say for sure, but it was a reasonable guess. "It just feels like it's always been there... It's something I can't control."

"Oh." Chika nodded, looking down at the floor and swinging her legs to and fro. Her feet kept going up and hitting the underside of the bed, making the only noise in the room when they both were struggling with what to say. "That sucks... So you were sad while we..." She sucked in a breath, stopping herself before rapidly switching gears. "... were in Aqours?"

"Yes, and... no... It's hard to explain..." Ruby noticed that Chika wasn't looking at her, and she felt a tightness in her chest. Chika hadn't played off her switch well enough, and she knew that Aqours wasn't what she was really talking about. It was certainly something else, and if she had to guess, it was probably about them. She knew what Chika wanted to ask: was she depressed while they were dating? That was a question she quickly was dreading having to answer. "I was sad, yes, but it wasn't because of Aqours. Being in an idol group with everyone was like a dream came true, and I hadn't been that happy in years."

"But you were still sad. You were sad the whole time..." There was an uncomfortable lump in Chika's throat which she couldn't swallow down. She knew that she shouldn't ask the question she truly wanted to ask, because it wasn't fair to Ruby. This was a terrible time she was going through, and the last thing she needed was to have more troubles added to her plate. It was hard to keep her emotions down, though. She hadn't felt such an incredible urge to cry since... well, since she'd heard that something bad had happened to Ruby. "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant to say..."

"It's okay..." The two of them lapsed back into silence, and Ruby listened to the sound of Chika's feet kicking the underside of the bed. It was muted, but it was rhythmic, reminding her of the clock at the therapist's office. The quiet was then broken by the sound of sniffling coming from next to her. For a second, Ruby was almost convinced that she'd been the one to start crying, but to her horror she found tears falling down Chika's cheeks. "Ch-Chika! Wh-What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry... It's okay. I'm okay!" She smiled at Ruby, but the fact that there was a steady stream of tears falling from her eyes made Ruby skeptical about what she was saying. "I'm just so... I'm so stupid..." The façade crumbled as quickly as it had appeared. Chika covered her face, openly sobbing into her hands, which instantly alarmed Ruby. "You've been sad for the entire time we've known each other and I didn't know! I'm a terrible girlfriend!" Her body shook with sobs, and Ruby felt the guilt inside herself get kicked into overdrive.

"N-No, that isn't true! You've been a wonderful girlfriend!" She'd had a feeling this was where Chika was trying to lead to earlier, and her worst fears were being confirmed in front of her. This was something that she hadn't wanted to happen. It was far from true: she never had any problems with Chika or their relationship. Chika made her very happy! She just... wasn't happy in general. That wasn't Chika's fault, though. She'd done nothing wrong.

"Shouldn't I have known, though?" Chika rarely got sad, but when she was, she wasn't easily consolable. "I never once knew... You suffered this much, and I didn't do anything... I-I could've done something..." It was tough to tell whether she was talking to Ruby or to herself at this point. She was having trouble coming to terms that she didn't notice any of Ruby's sadness, and she was the one sad now. She was crying, and it was all Ruby's fault. How could she have made her girlfriend cry like this? Chika wasn't the one who should've been worrying about being a bad partner.

"Chika, I didn't tell anyone I was feeling this way. Not even Dia, or Hanamaru. I didn't want to burden any of you with how I was feeling." That was true. It was serious enough to where she didn't feel like she could tell her own girlfriend, or her sister, or her best friend. It had nothing to do with them as people or friends: it had to do with her and her own mental issues.

"We could've helped, though..." Chika wiped her eyes, finally seeming to calm down. Her eyes were still wet, though, and Ruby couldn't stop thinking about how she was the one who caused this. "Are you... Are you sure I didn't do anything wrong? Did I make you sad? I didn't mean to-"

"No! You've never made me sad!" She had to stop that train of thought right away. Chika couldn't blame herself, especially for things that were wholly untrue. She had done nothing wrong. "I've always been very happy with you! It's just that I'm not happy." Chika looked at her in complete confusion. "I mean... You make me happy, okay? You're the best girlfriend ever. I've just been unhappy for so many years, and it started before I met you. It's just, like... my brain is always sad, but not because of you. You make me happy, but my brain is just being... mean, I guess."

"I don't understand." Chika frowned, lifting up her shirt to try and dry her face. Her arms were still wet from drying her original batch of tears. "I made you happy, but you're still sad. Why wouldn't you be happy?" To someone like Chika, whose emotions tended to be more binary in nature, she couldn't understand being two conflicting emotions. If someone was happy, how could they be sad? She didn't understand, and it made her worry that she had been doing something wrong all along. How could she have been making Ruby happy if she tried to kill herself? It didn't make any sense.

"I... I don't know..." Ruby's voice dropped to a whisper, and she again couldn't look Chika in the eye. "It's just how my brain works, I guess." Silence returned to the room, and the obvious awkwardness now held a somber undercurrent. She knew that she hadn't properly convinced Chika of how she felt, and now Chika thought that she had done something to hurt her. Tears pricked at her eyes, stinging them, but she didn't make any move to wipe them away. Why couldn't she have just died and made things easier for everyone else?

"Then... Then I'm gonna make you happy." Chika jumped to her feet, turning to face Ruby with a watery smile. "I don't know how... and, and I don't understand how you're feeling right now... but I want to. I love you, Ruby, and I'm not going anywhere, and I don't want you to go anywhere either. I don't want to get another phone call like that again. So I'll... I'll do whatever I can to make you smile again. I'll figure out what depression means and how therapy works and all that if it means I can do something for you while you're feeling like this." She put her hands on Ruby's shoulders, determination burning in her eyes. "I'm here for you, Ruby. I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

"Chika..." Now Ruby was crying for a different reason. For a moment, her heart had started seizing up at the thought of Chika leaving her. That was a fear she'd had ever since they'd started dating, as she'd worried that Chika would eventually realize that she could find someone better and just leave. Now she had started mentally freaking out that the confusion and hurt over what had happened would drive her away, but it seemed that the opposite was true. Chika wanted to stay with her despite not understanding what she was going through. She wanted to understand, and she wanted to help. God, she really didn't deserve a girlfriend who was so incredible.

"Hey, hey, don't cry, Ruby." Chika started wiping away her tears with a finger. "I'm here for you, okay? So no more crying." She said that, but there were tears in her eyes too.

"But you're crying too, Chika." They both laughed through their tears as Chika wrapped her arms around Ruby.

"Then I should stop crying too. No more crying." She laughed, and it was followed by a hiccup, but it was somewhat natural. Ruby felt a bit of warmth coming back to her body hearing Chika laugh like that again. It'd be an exhausting, nerve-wracking day, and in the end, she was in her room laughing with Chika like usual. It felt like there was a bit of normalcy within all this craziness.

She still felt sad, and she was still at the start of a long, painful marathon, but she knew that she had Chika. That wasn't something she would ever take for granted.

* * *

After a month's worth of therapy sessions, Ruby found herself speaking more about herself than she'd ever thought she would. Her therapist had a way of getting her to talk about things without pressuring her, which made her feel more comfortable with each session. It was freeing in a way, being able to talk about all her pain without worrying about how others would think about her. Sometimes her fears sounded silly when said out loud, but her therapist never judged her. Though her suicidal thoughts were still sticking around in her mind, they weren't taking over her life like they'd been before.

Since her first session, Chika had come with her instead of Dia. She had insisted due to her wanting to be more understanding to what Ruby was going through. That made her feel happy, and she couldn't say no to spending more time with Chika, even if she had to leave her in the waiting room while she went through her next session. Chika never complained, and when Ruby was too exhausted from spilling her guts out to talk about it, she would respectfully switch the topic. As much as she wanted to know everything that was going on in her girlfriend's brain, she knew that she needed to be compassionate about it.

Over that month, she'd begun to talk about the things that had been festering in her mind with Chika. They'd lie in bed together and she'd bare her soul, just as she did in her therapy sessions. Just like in her initial session, she was terrified of the darkest parts of her mind scaring Chika off, but no matter what she'd say, Chika would listen to her with rapt attention. She never interrupted or judged her, just like her therapist. Sometimes she'd cringe or become sadder, particularly when she'd mention how she'd considered killing herself for nearly six years. She didn't always understand, and occasionally they'd both cry together, but she never backed away. Every time Ruby asked if she wanted to talk, she was always willing to do so. Ruby felt so grateful that she had someone in her life who wanted to be there for her like that. Still, even amidst that gratefulness, she would mentally berate herself for not realizing all of this sooner.

Except for Chika, she hadn't said much about what was going on to the rest of her friends. She talked to them nearly every day it seemed, letting them know she was okay, but she didn't go into much detail about her feelings. In her mind, she still didn't want to worry them, even though by not talking about how she was feeling, she was just worrying them all the same. Though she hadn't entirely gotten her mind wrapped around that yet, she was starting to realize that she wanted to let more people close to her know what was going on. She decided it was time to talk to Dia.

Rather than spending more time talking about her issues while cooped up in her room, or in her therapist's office, she decided to actually get some fresh air for once. Since she didn't have any classes that weekend, she asked Dia if she wanted to go back to Uchiura and go fishing together. They'd grown up in a fishing environment, since that was the main part of their family's business. To the surprise of no one, she'd never proved very adept at it. She didn't even like touching them, since they felt so wet and slimy. Seeing them in an aquarium was much more preferable. Of course, Dia had a knack for fishing. Though it wasn't something she'd ever talked about in high regard with Ruby, she was good at reeling them in. Her patience could be unmatched when Mari wasn't testing it.

Dia was surprised at the request, since Ruby had never enjoyed fishing. That didn't stop her from readily agreeing, though. While the two sisters had still talked, their conversations hadn't been as open since they'd left Ruby's first therapy session. Without much understanding of what had happened, or what was going on, she was constantly worried about her little sister. Though Mari always tried to calm her down when she'd get in one of her worrisome moods, it was hard not to think about the worst case scenario. It had very nearly happened already! So she jumped at the chance to spend some quality time with Ruby, and she hoped that something good would come out of it in the end.

The two of them met at the Kurosawa residence, which felt strange to Ruby. Entering it felt like she'd taken a time machine back to her pre-university days. Most of the stuff in the house was the same: even their respective rooms were mostly untouched. She hadn't been home in some time, and it made her feel a bit nostalgic. It made her smile thinking of the nights where she, Dia, and Hanamaru would have sleepovers together, laughing and just enjoying their time together without thinking of the future. Her smile faded when she thought about seeing her parents again, though. She knew they weren't all that happy about her going to therapy, and she wasn't looking forward to the awkward conversations that would bring. Hopefully they didn't see each other today. She wasn't ready for that yet.

They were able to get out of the house before that, thankfully. With fishing poles in hand, they got onto one of the family boats and pushed off into the open water. There was nothing more than quiet small talk as they sailed out into the ocean, putting bait on their hooks and dipping them into the water. When both of their hooks were in the water, and the tranquility of the ocean had surrounded them, Ruby finally could gather up the courage to start the conversation.

"Dia?" Dia turned to look at her. "I know we haven't really discussed my sessions, but I think I'm ready to talk about it." That definitely got Dia's attention. She sat up straight and nodded, keeping silent to allow her to speak at her own pace. So Ruby talked, filling Dia in on the darkness of her mind that she had previously only spoken about to her therapist and then to Chika. Several times it looked as if Dia wanted to say something, but she'd close her mouth and let Ruby continue. The only true distractions were the fish, as one got a hold of Dia's bait and forced her to haul in the catch. After that, she kept the now-clean hook above the water as she listened to everything Ruby was telling her.

"So, you've been feeling like this for quite awhile now, then?" Ruby nodded, and Dia frowned deeply. She grabbed her hook and put another piece of bait on it before dropping it back in the water. Though she was facing the water again, she was talking directly to Ruby. "I see. Well, I wish you would've told me that you've been feeling that way. I can't help you without knowing what's going on." She sighed as she looked across the almost infinite expanse of the ocean. "But if I had been a proper sister, I would've noticed that something was wrong without you needing to tell me."

"I didn't tell you, though. You couldn't have known..." Ruby sighed, reeling in her line. Nothing: of course. She put it back in the water and glanced over at Dia. This felt like her conversation with Chika, and she didn't want someone else blaming themselves when this was all her fault. At least Dia didn't seem to be crying. She was always the most composed within their group of friends. "There's, uh... There's more, though."

"Hmm?"

"I'm... I'm jealous of you." She shuddered, staring pointedly out at the ocean. Whatever face Dia may have made to hearing that, she didn't see. She didn't want to see. Jealously was such a bitter monster, and she didn't want to know what Dia thought of her now. "You're so incredibly talented at... at everything, and you're super smart. Our parents love you, and they've always wanted you to be their heir. You're... You're everything that a Kurosawa should be, and I'm just not... I'm not as smart as you, I'm not as talented as you. You're so good at keeping things in control, and I struggle every day just to look strangers in the eyes. It's hard to even be home knowing that I can never be good enough for mom and dad..."

"I... I didn't realize..." Dia gulped, an uneasy feeling forming in her stomach. Now it was her turn to look over at Ruby while her sister looked elsewhere. She'd never thought of it that way before, but looking back on it, it all made sense. Ever since they were both very young, it'd been Dia who was going to be the heir to the family business. She was the one who took all those extra classes and was going to be betrothed to some other rich family's son. At the time, she'd felt a lot of that stuff was a burden, but she'd been glad that she was the one who had to shoulder it instead of Ruby. She never realized how it might've impacted Ruby to not be looked at with such hope from their parents.

"It's okay. You didn't know." She hadn't expected Dia to realize what was going on. Maybe she wouldn't have noticed either had she been the favorite child: she didn't know. She'd never know the answer to that. What she did know was that it hurt to have the success of her older sister rubbed in her face whenever she'd come home, whether or not it was intentional. She'd hear about Dia's great grades at university, or how well she was acclimating to her job in the company, and she'd have to smile the whole time. However, there was always a usually unspoken question: why wasn't she doing as good as Dia? Well, maybe because she just wasn't as good as Dia.

"That's no excuse. I should've realized..." Dia sighed, quirking an eyebrow as her line was tugged on. "I didn't because I was selfishly trying to protect you." She grunted as she started reeling in her catch: it was a big one. "I didn't want you to... have to be pushed into a situation you weren't ready for." The fish she'd caught was much bigger than the first, and a flicker of a smile played on her lips. She still had it. Moving the fish over into the boat, she popped open the top of the cooler that was situated between the two of them and unhooked the fish, setting it inside and putting the lid back on. "You've always been a sweet person, Ruby. Too sweet for the ruthless corporate world that I'm in. There were lots of tough days, and tougher nights, but I was glad that I was the one doing it. I didn't want you to have to suffer through any rude businessmen, or have you forced into a power-sealing marriage with a man you didn't love."

"But... But why did you have to deal with it?" She reeled in her line, sighing at the sight of the empty hook. Somehow the bait had fallen off without her noticing. She gave up on it then, resting the pole behind her in the boat and turning to fully face Dia. "Why did you have to go through all of that if it was that tough?" She'd known what Dia had to go through, but she never knew that it was to protect her from all of that. Why would she do that? She would've ended up in a forced marriage if it wasn't for the Oharas' wealth making Mari an acceptable alternative.

"Because I love you, Ruby." Dia set down her pole as well, putting a hand on Ruby's knee. "I would've done anything to protect you, and I thought that was the right way of going about it. Obviously I was wrong." She shook her head slightly, frowning. "I've never been good with my emotions, Ruby. Being upfront and honest about what we're going through is not exactly a family trademark. It meant that you never felt comfortable coming to me about how you were feeling. I may not have been as receptive or understanding about them as I should've been either, and I truly am sorry. Please forgive me for being so blind to how you were feeling."

"I should've told you, though..." Ruby felt the tears welling up already. God, if she was going to cry after every serious conversation with her friends, would there even be any tears left in her body? She hurriedly wiped them away, then was caught off guard when she was embraced by Dia. Her arms went limp at her sides at first, but then she put them around Dia's back as the tears came right back. "I almost... I..." She started to cry on Dia's shoulder, not able to vocalize the unchangeable act she had tried to commit.

"Shh... It's okay, Ruby. It's okay..." She held onto Ruby tightly, soothingly rubbing her back as she cried. "I won't lose you again. I'll do anything to make sure of it." Ruby had been so jealous of her, but even knowing that, Dia didn't hate her. She cared about her, just like Chika did. Her brain couldn't believe that there was anyone who would care about her like that, but she just wanted to shut her brain off right now. She didn't need its negative attitude when all she wanted to do was enjoy this moment with her sister.

The fishing was mostly forgotten, but that was okay. She'd never cared much for fishing anyway. What she'd wanted to do was talk with Dia, and she'd accomplished that mission. Being held by Dia made her happy, like how being held by Chika made her feel. If the people who mattered most in her life really cared about her like this, then maybe she could push the thoughts of those pills a little bit further back into her mind.

* * *

"If you're okay with it, I'm going to recommend anti-depressants. I believe they can help you further." Another month had passed, and again she was lying in the now-familiar chair, talking with her therapist. This was the last appointment her parents were willing to pay for, which might explain why her therapist was recommending anti-depressants. She was sad to know that this would be the end, since she felt that she had become really close with her. It made her want to pay for the appointments herself, but she couldn't afford it. Though she felt that Dia or Mari would agree to pay for the sessions if she asked, she didn't feel comfortable asking them for money like that. It wasn't fair of her.

"Well, I've been feeling better..." She twiddled her thumbs, something she did automatically whenever she was nervous. True, she was feeling better, but that was only a small victory. The negative thoughts in her head hadn't gone away, and she'd never expected them to leave anyway. She'd always figured they'd be there forever, at least until she ended her life. Now that she knew doing that would only bring irreparable harm to the people she cared about, she'd been hoping those thoughts would quiet down a bit. Besides, she was nervous about taking anti-depressants. What if they changed her completely, into a person that her friends wouldn't want to be around? What if she wasn't Ruby anymore?

"And I'm proud of the steps you've taken since you first came to see me. Depression isn't something that just goes away, though. It can take over your mind again if you're not careful, and it may drag you back down to where you were months ago." Ruby gulped, nodding shakily. She had hoped that wouldn't be true, but that was just fanciful thinking. In her mind, she'd known that her depression couldn't be conquered like that. Really, she'd known it for years. She was scared of what might happen to her should she start taking those pills, but she knew this was something she needed to do. If she didn't, then she might end up back at step one, and she might not survive it that time.

"I know, but... I'm not sure I can afford them." Her mental state made schooling enough of a handful. Having to get a job on top of it would stress her out tremendously. That was sad, though. Dia had a job while she was at university, and so did Kanan. Most of her friends had at least some form of employment during their studies, actually. What did that say about her that she couldn't do it too?

"Hmm..." Her therapist tapped her pen against her notepad. Unfortunately, from what she'd gathered during their sessions, Ruby's relationship with her parents wasn't great. She was also still on their healthcare plan, which meant they might use that influence to deny her access to the pills she really needed. That made things tough, but she wasn't ready to give up yet. Ruby was her patient for at least another twenty minutes, and her mental health was the most important thing. "What I can do is pay for your first round of medication myself, but after that you would need to find another way to pay for it. Perhaps one of your friends could help, or you may need to find employment."

"Y-You don't have to do that for me!" She was shocked to hear that her therapist was willing to help get her started on anti-depressants. That wasn't something she remembered from the movies.

"I insist." She smiled and leaned back in her chair. "You've been a wonderful patient for the past two months, Ruby. I want to make sure that when you leave, you have the best chance of making it out there."

"Th-Thank you." She could hardly believe this was happening. This was only a start, though. Her therapist was going to help her with her first prescription, but she'd need to pay for the rest of them. She'd need to either find a job or get one of her friends to help her pay for it, which she didn't really want to do. Her parents were out of the question, unfortunately. They were already hesitant about her therapy: they'd never approve of her taking mood-altering pills. It wasn't the Kurosawa way, as they'd say. They'd make sure she couldn't get them with her medical insurance, so until she was completely independent, she would have to figure out a different way to pay for them. Complete independence... That was a nervous breakdown for another time.

When her final session was finished, she shared a hug with her therapist before leaving. It hurt that they weren't going to see each other again, enough to where she had to slip into the bathroom to compose herself. She didn't want to be crying when she went out into the waiting area. Once she felt as composed as she could be, she went out into the waiting room, and she and Chika left to head back to her apartment.

"So my therapist prescribed me anti-depressants." Something that had changed in the past two months was that she felt more comfortable talking about what was going on in her sessions with Chika. She reasoned that this was her girlfriend, and it was bad to keep secrets from her. Besides, she only wanted to help. Wasn't that what she needed? "She's willing to help me out monetarily for the first bottle, but I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the rest..." Pulling out the note she'd gotten from her therapist for which pills to get, she sighed. This was going to be something she'd have to take for the rest of her life...

"I can help you out with that." Chika wasn't too familiar with anti-depressant medication outside of late night commercials. Apparently taking those pills would make Ruby want to run in the park with her dog or something. Honestly, her own money situation wasn't great, as she'd been having trouble with her attempts at finding a job. That didn't matter to her, though. She wanted to help out her girlfriend any way she could.

"You don't have to do that, Chika. I'll... I'll figure out something." She chewed her lip in thought, tapping her fingers against her legs. "Maybe Hanamaru could get me a job at the library. I could probably do that." She wasn't sure, of course, but if Hanamaru was there to show her the ropes, she could probably perform passably. It didn't sound like something that would get her a lot of money, but it would help her somewhat. Besides, her parents were paying for most other things that she needed, more out of obligation than anything else. The money she would earn could all be funneled into her medication needs.

"That could work. I'm sure you'd be good with books and stuff." Chika smiled reassuringly, drumming her fingers on the wheel to a song on the radio. Ruby nodded, more to herself than to Chika. Yeah, she could do it... probably. She was sure Hanamaru would put in a good word for her, but... maybe it would be out of pity? Hanamaru knew literature more than she did, and she might not think that Ruby would be a good worker in such an environment. After everything that had happened, though, maybe she'd feel compelled to try and get her a job there, since otherwise she might spiral out of control...

She blinked, snapping out of her thoughts. Speaking of spiraling out of control... She took a deep breath, having caught herself before she'd gotten completely down in the dumps. Saying Hanamaru was doing something out of pity wasn't fair when she hadn't even asked yet. That was just her mind being stupid again. She needed to keep her mind in check, at least until she got her pills. Maybe she ought to get those now...

"Chika, do you think we can stop at the pharmacy? I think I should get those pills now..." Having her mind go off the rails with miserable thoughts had been normal for years, but now she was starting to see how dangerous it could be to let herself fall back into those trappings. Taking the pills still scared her, but she knew she needed to do it, and she needed to get them as soon as possible. She pulled out her phone so she could help direct Chika to the nearest pharmacy. Yes, she didn't have the money for another round of the pills, but it was important that she started them now. As for the future? Well, she'd... she'd figure something out.

Stepping into the pharmacy again was an intimidating venture. Last time she'd been in one, she'd been buying the pills that she'd hoped would end her life. Now she was there to get pills that could potentially save her life. What a change a couple of months could make. Despite that change, she was still nervous walking to the back of the store. She wasn't as nervous as she'd been back then, though. This time she had Chika, and she couldn't help but smile watching her touch all the toys in the aisle. She'd always had a kind of childlike wonder to her, and it was undeniably cute. It was better to have her there than to do this alone.

After Chika was finished squeezing every squeezable toy in the aisle, the two of them stood side by side in a short line at the pharmacy. She was feeling her nerves acting up, but Chika could tell that she was feeling that way. She reached out and took Ruby's hand in her own, giving her a reassuring smile when Ruby looked her way. Ruby smiled back, squeezing Chika's hand tightly. She could do this. She could do this.

In the end, things went by in a blur. The medication had been ordered and paid for by her therapist, so all she had to do was show her identification and pick it up. With it in hand, she and Chika left the store and got back in the car. Chika had been very tempted to buy several of the squishy stress toys in the front, but she was able to resist this time. Everyone was improving in their own ways.

In the car again, Chika didn't drive off immediately. She placed a hand on Ruby's knee and looked at her with concern. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know... Kind of?" She smiled slightly, putting her hand on top of Chika's. "Thank you for being there with me, though. It would've been a lot scarier without you by my side."

"No problem!" Chika smiled brightly, then she suddenly opened her door and jumped out of the car. Confused, Ruby watched her run around the front and over to the passenger side, where she opened the door and wrapped Ruby up in a tight hug. "I'm always gonna be here for ya, Ruby, no more what!"

"Ch-Chika!" Ruby laughed and hugged Chika back. She really should have confided in Chika long ago. This was the kind of spirited love that she needed to get through the day. Her girlfriend's presence had always made her happy, even when she was sad overall. It had always been tough to explain, and it still was now, but she knew now that there was no doubt Chika made her happy. There was happiness inside her, and she just needed to care enough about herself and her life to let it bloom.

This was all going to be a big challenge, and she knew that. The future remained unclear, even with the strides she had made. There was still the fact that she needed to find a job, and her parents would probably never approve of her and her choices, which would always leave a dent in her mental state. They weren't the only people in her life, though. She had her sister, her girlfriend, and all her friends who had proven time and time again that they cared deeply about her. She'd just needed a terrifying wake up call to see the truth. Though she wished that it hadn't taken such extreme measures, she felt more hopeful than she had for a very long time.

"I think everything's going to be okay." She said it more for herself, but Chika was also there to receive that message. Giving Ruby a thumbs up, she hugged her once more before bounding back over to the driver's side and starting the car up. With a small smile on her face, Ruby stared out the window as Chika drove her back to her apartment. The future was always going to be scary, but... She looked down at the pills on her lap, gently brushing a hand over the bag.

For once, she was ready for what the future held.


End file.
